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Shared from the 2017-08-06 - Beaumont Enterprise eEdition
Here’s why you shouldn’t call single moms selfish or stupid
Gail Showalter Guest column
I’ve worked with single mothers for 10 years. I coach them. I attempt to encourage them. And I hope to inspire and motivate them. I was a single mother for 16 years and am aware of the difficulties of that solitary and thankless job. I’ve become aware of the recurring bias single moms endure.
While on vacation I was seated at a table with fellow travelers and we each told the others what we did with our time.
When I said that I worked with single mothers, an obviously wealthy woman spoke up with annoyance in her tone, “Do you ever ask them what they were thinking when they got themselves pregnant?”
My first thought, though I didn’t say it aloud, was no single mom became pregnant all by herself. Whatever the case there was always a father in the process.
I kept my cool. I restrained myself though I wanted to present a pointedly persuasive speech. Instead I simply shared this information in a calm and polite way:
Many single moms were sexually abused as little girls.
When they gained enough courage to tell their mother, their moms didn’t believe them. Or if they did, denied it.
The abuse continued.
When the girl reached her teenage years, she attracted the attention of the boys.
When a feisty young man told her she was beautiful and he loved her, she fell for his charm and found herself pregnant. She so yearned to have someone truly care for her that she probably thought, in her young immature way, that this was an answer. Of course it wasn’t and when the baby was born he was long gone.
Now she is a mother, with no job skills, in some cases no high school diploma.
No income and certainly no way to go to college to gain a way to earn a living.
The pious traveler didn’t reply. I recalled a John Morley quote: “You’ve not converted someone because you have silenced them.” I don’t want to silence you either. We need to talk about solutions. A solution is my goal.
The stigma persists that single moms are struggling with the results of their own actions. You may say, “Their problems are not my problems.” However when you look at the statistics you may think differently.
Real reasons
Here are the facts:
• Nearly half of the children in Jefferson County live in single-parent homes. This is almost twice the national average.
• Children raised by single moms are more likely to do poorly in school.
• They are more likely to take drugs.
• They are more likely to be depressed.
• They are even more suicidal than children raised in two parent homes.
• Custodial single mothers and their children are twice as likely to live in poverty as the general population. (https://www.thespruce.com/singleparent-census-data-2997668)
How can a single mother who is working two jobs and long hours establish a stable home environment too?
Once you accept that countless were born into circumstances that are nearly impossible for you and I to imagine, your perspective will change.
Single mothers come from a wide range of situations. Some never married (49 percent), some divorced or widowed (51 percent).
Not all came from abusive backgrounds. Some are divorced by choice. Other divorced by their spouse’s choice.
They all have one thing in common — a love for their children and desire to provide for them.
I hope I’ve not silenced you. I want to encourage you to consider the whole picture before you ask, “What were they thinking?”
And better still let’s all ask each other, “What might we do to make this situation better for everyone?”
For more information go to: http://www.thecommunitycoalition.com/educational-support-program.html
Gail Cawley Showalter is director of the Educational Support Program for Single Moms.
THOMAS TASCHINGER, Opinions page editor, Opinions@BeaumontEnterprise.com, (409) 838-2887
See this article in the e-Edition Here
Here’s why you shouldn’t call single moms selfish or stupid
Gail Showalter Guest column
I’ve worked with single mothers for 10 years. I coach them. I attempt to encourage them. And I hope to inspire and motivate them. I was a single mother for 16 years and am aware of the difficulties of that solitary and thankless job. I’ve become aware of the recurring bias single moms endure.
While on vacation I was seated at a table with fellow travelers and we each told the others what we did with our time.
When I said that I worked with single mothers, an obviously wealthy woman spoke up with annoyance in her tone, “Do you ever ask them what they were thinking when they got themselves pregnant?”
My first thought, though I didn’t say it aloud, was no single mom became pregnant all by herself. Whatever the case there was always a father in the process.
I kept my cool. I restrained myself though I wanted to present a pointedly persuasive speech. Instead I simply shared this information in a calm and polite way:
Many single moms were sexually abused as little girls.
When they gained enough courage to tell their mother, their moms didn’t believe them. Or if they did, denied it.
The abuse continued.
When the girl reached her teenage years, she attracted the attention of the boys.
When a feisty young man told her she was beautiful and he loved her, she fell for his charm and found herself pregnant. She so yearned to have someone truly care for her that she probably thought, in her young immature way, that this was an answer. Of course it wasn’t and when the baby was born he was long gone.
Now she is a mother, with no job skills, in some cases no high school diploma.
No income and certainly no way to go to college to gain a way to earn a living.
The pious traveler didn’t reply. I recalled a John Morley quote: “You’ve not converted someone because you have silenced them.” I don’t want to silence you either. We need to talk about solutions. A solution is my goal.
The stigma persists that single moms are struggling with the results of their own actions. You may say, “Their problems are not my problems.” However when you look at the statistics you may think differently.
Real reasons
Here are the facts:
• Nearly half of the children in Jefferson County live in single-parent homes. This is almost twice the national average.
• Children raised by single moms are more likely to do poorly in school.
• They are more likely to take drugs.
• They are more likely to be depressed.
• They are even more suicidal than children raised in two parent homes.
• Custodial single mothers and their children are twice as likely to live in poverty as the general population. (https://www.thespruce.com/singleparent-census-data-2997668)
How can a single mother who is working two jobs and long hours establish a stable home environment too?
Once you accept that countless were born into circumstances that are nearly impossible for you and I to imagine, your perspective will change.
Single mothers come from a wide range of situations. Some never married (49 percent), some divorced or widowed (51 percent).
Not all came from abusive backgrounds. Some are divorced by choice. Other divorced by their spouse’s choice.
They all have one thing in common — a love for their children and desire to provide for them.
I hope I’ve not silenced you. I want to encourage you to consider the whole picture before you ask, “What were they thinking?”
And better still let’s all ask each other, “What might we do to make this situation better for everyone?”
For more information go to: http://www.thecommunitycoalition.com/educational-support-program.html
Gail Cawley Showalter is director of the Educational Support Program for Single Moms.
THOMAS TASCHINGER, Opinions page editor, Opinions@BeaumontEnterprise.com, (409) 838-2887
See this article in the e-Edition Here
Journey with me on the path through single motherhood. Identify with my stories and learn ways to make your crooked places straight. The book can be read independently or used in a group as a study guide.
I'm available to teach your group.
I'm available to teach your group.
Living Learning Loving
by Gail Cawley Showalter
Comments from a reader
I learned several new strategies that have already made my life easier, such as discovering where I fall in the four personality types. Based upon the description chart in the book, I am a choleric and my daughter is a phlegmatic, which explains A LOT about the root of our conflicts. Simply put, this means I am constantly trying to do and be more, and because of that, I tend to push my daughter too much when her personality requires more peace at home. Discovering this helps both of us to have much more harmony at home. Thank you for that insight and many others, Gail! - Nicole
When my three children were preschoolers my marriage to their father fell apart. I was devastated. Over time I revamped my life, raised my children, and developed really strong soul stamina. Now, it is my desire to be there for other women, sharing what I learned.
by Gail Cawley Showalter
Comments from a reader
I learned several new strategies that have already made my life easier, such as discovering where I fall in the four personality types. Based upon the description chart in the book, I am a choleric and my daughter is a phlegmatic, which explains A LOT about the root of our conflicts. Simply put, this means I am constantly trying to do and be more, and because of that, I tend to push my daughter too much when her personality requires more peace at home. Discovering this helps both of us to have much more harmony at home. Thank you for that insight and many others, Gail! - Nicole
When my three children were preschoolers my marriage to their father fell apart. I was devastated. Over time I revamped my life, raised my children, and developed really strong soul stamina. Now, it is my desire to be there for other women, sharing what I learned.
A Heart for Women
Gail C. Showalter
Hello, I am glad you found my site.
I’ve experienced life’s transitions on many levels and am here to assist you, to coach you or guide your group through your times of change.
You, like most women, probably like to have someone who can relate to your situation. My goal is to walk women like you through tough times.
I’ve experienced life’s transitions on many levels and am here to assist you, to coach you or guide your group through your times of change.
You, like most women, probably like to have someone who can relate to your situation. My goal is to walk women like you through tough times.
Download Chapter 1 - FREE
| lll_ch_1_give_away.pdf |
- A Man's Perspective
As a middle-aged male engineer fond of biography and military history, I picked up this little gem when my wife bought it for a single mom friend of ours. In truth, I was simply attracted to the cover art, but when I began to leaf through it, I quickly became absorbed in a remarkably well-spun yarn of personal struggle and triumph, interspersed with succinct and relevant practical suggestions. The author's heart-rending recollections of challenges, failures, and successes actually (I'm a bit - but only a bit- embarrassed to admit) had me moist-eyed more than once. Besides simply being an engaging, worthwhile read, it might even give folks like me some much-needed insight into the struggles others (like single moms) face, and the basis for a new-found respect for these heroic ladies. It's a cheap book, and a quick read, and if I wasn't disappointed, I'm pretty sure nobody else could be.
As a middle-aged male engineer fond of biography and military history, I picked up this little gem when my wife bought it for a single mom friend of ours. In truth, I was simply attracted to the cover art, but when I began to leaf through it, I quickly became absorbed in a remarkably well-spun yarn of personal struggle and triumph, interspersed with succinct and relevant practical suggestions. The author's heart-rending recollections of challenges, failures, and successes actually (I'm a bit - but only a bit- embarrassed to admit) had me moist-eyed more than once. Besides simply being an engaging, worthwhile read, it might even give folks like me some much-needed insight into the struggles others (like single moms) face, and the basis for a new-found respect for these heroic ladies. It's a cheap book, and a quick read, and if I wasn't disappointed, I'm pretty sure nobody else could be.
FREE Videos for Each Chapter
Review on Amazon
I just finished reading the book Living, Learning, Loving. WoW, despite the fact that I am in my 50's and raised two boys on my own I found myself wishing I would have had this book much earlier in my life. From her pragmatic advice to her numerous exhortations it caused me to recall a beautiful time in my life raising my kids as a single parent. It has inspired me to reach out to help others just beginning this journey. I would advise anyone to read this book, even if you have already raised your kids. You will not be sorry. -An Amazon Customer
Click here: Interview podcast with Gail "Help! I'm a Single Mom" on "Chained No More" Radio with Robyn Besemann
Endorsements
Gail has been passionate about single moms and the challenges they face for many, many years. Having been a single parent herself, she is quite familiar with the unique struggles and joys of raising children without the consistent help of a spouse. Gail's ministry has been continuous and effective throughout the years, and has become one of the leading thinkers and voices for ministry to single moms in the United States. |
I have attended many seminars and workshops during my thirty years in the corporate world, some of which were for professional development while others addressed personal growth and relationships. There are always those few programs that stand out and Gail Showalter's seminars are most definitely among them. Gail shares great information in a format that is easy to comprehend, extremely well organized and as entertaining as it is educational. Two thumbs up! |
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