Here's why you shouldn't call single moms selfish or stupid
First published in the Beaumont Enterprise August 6, 2017
I’ve worked with single mothers for ten years. I coach them. I attempt to encourage them. And I hope to inspire and motivate them. I was a single mother for sixteen years and am aware of the difficulties of that solitary and thankless job. I’ve become aware of the recurring bias single moms endure.
While on vacation I was seated at a table with fellow travelers and we each told the others what we did with our time. When I said that I worked with single mothers an obviously wealthy woman spoke up with annoyance in her tone, “Do you ever ask them what they were thinking when they got themselves pregnant?” My first thought, though I didn’t say it aloud, was no single mom became pregnant all by herself. Whatever the case there was always a father in the process.
I kept my cool. I restrained myself though I wanted to present a pointedly persuasive speech. Instead I simply shared this information in a calm and polite way:
Many single moms were abused as little girls.
When they gained enough courage to tell their mother, their moms didn’t believe them. Or if they did, denied it.
The abuse continued.
When the girl reached her teen years she attracted the attention of the boys.
When a feisty young man told her she was beautiful and he loved her, she fell for his charm and found herself pregnant. She so yearned to have someone truly care for her that she probably thought, in her young immature way, that this was an answer. Of course it wasn’t and when the baby was born he was long gone.
Now she is a mother, with no job skills, in some cases no high school diploma.
No income and certainly no way to go to college to gain a way to earn a living.
The pious traveler didn’t reply. I recalled a John Morley quote: “You’ve not converted someone because you have silenced them.” I don’t want to silence you either. We need to talk about solutions. A solution is my goal.
The stigma persists that single moms are struggling with the results of their own actions. You may say, “Their problems are not my problems.” However when you look at the statistics you may think differently. Here are the facts:
Once you accept that countless were born into circumstances that are nearly impossible for you and I to imagine, your perspective will change.
Single mothers come from a wide range of situations. Some never married (49%), some divorced or widowed (51%). Not all came from abusive backgrounds. Some are divorced by choice. Other divorced by their spouse’s choice. They all have one thing in common-a love for their children and desire to provide for them.
I hope I’ve not silenced you. I want to encourage you to consider the whole picture before you ask, “What were they thinking?” And better still let’s all ask, “What might we do to make this situation better for everyone?” For more information go to:
http://www.thecommunitycoalition.com/educational-support-program.html
First published in the Beaumont Enterprise August 6, 2017
I’ve worked with single mothers for ten years. I coach them. I attempt to encourage them. And I hope to inspire and motivate them. I was a single mother for sixteen years and am aware of the difficulties of that solitary and thankless job. I’ve become aware of the recurring bias single moms endure.
While on vacation I was seated at a table with fellow travelers and we each told the others what we did with our time. When I said that I worked with single mothers an obviously wealthy woman spoke up with annoyance in her tone, “Do you ever ask them what they were thinking when they got themselves pregnant?” My first thought, though I didn’t say it aloud, was no single mom became pregnant all by herself. Whatever the case there was always a father in the process.
I kept my cool. I restrained myself though I wanted to present a pointedly persuasive speech. Instead I simply shared this information in a calm and polite way:
Many single moms were abused as little girls.
When they gained enough courage to tell their mother, their moms didn’t believe them. Or if they did, denied it.
The abuse continued.
When the girl reached her teen years she attracted the attention of the boys.
When a feisty young man told her she was beautiful and he loved her, she fell for his charm and found herself pregnant. She so yearned to have someone truly care for her that she probably thought, in her young immature way, that this was an answer. Of course it wasn’t and when the baby was born he was long gone.
Now she is a mother, with no job skills, in some cases no high school diploma.
No income and certainly no way to go to college to gain a way to earn a living.
The pious traveler didn’t reply. I recalled a John Morley quote: “You’ve not converted someone because you have silenced them.” I don’t want to silence you either. We need to talk about solutions. A solution is my goal.
The stigma persists that single moms are struggling with the results of their own actions. You may say, “Their problems are not my problems.” However when you look at the statistics you may think differently. Here are the facts:
- Nearly half of the children in Jefferson County live in single parent homes. This is almost twice the national average.
- Children raised by single moms are more likely to do poorly in school.
- They are more likely to take drugs.
- They are more likely to be depressed.
- They are even more suicidal than children raised in two parent homes.
- Custodial single mothers and their children are twice as likely to live in poverty as the general population. https://www.thespruce.com/single-parent-census-data-2997668
Once you accept that countless were born into circumstances that are nearly impossible for you and I to imagine, your perspective will change.
Single mothers come from a wide range of situations. Some never married (49%), some divorced or widowed (51%). Not all came from abusive backgrounds. Some are divorced by choice. Other divorced by their spouse’s choice. They all have one thing in common-a love for their children and desire to provide for them.
I hope I’ve not silenced you. I want to encourage you to consider the whole picture before you ask, “What were they thinking?” And better still let’s all ask, “What might we do to make this situation better for everyone?” For more information go to:
http://www.thecommunitycoalition.com/educational-support-program.html
